Baby regrets... "I wish I'd..."

For some reason, I have all these regrets about her little newborn hands and feet. They were so tiny and precious. I wish I'd made prints of them in ink, gradually getting bigger over the weeks and months. And I wish I'd taken some film footage showing the way she used to move her little hands about when she was a newborn... they were always fluttering and opening and closing and spreading like little starfish in the sea, as if they were marveling at the freedom of the open air. In fact, I wish I'd filmed all sorts of things when she was tiny... like the way she used to make suckling movements with her lips when she slept, and how floppy her head was. I didn't even discover our new camera had a film button until she was two months old (yeah, I know). Now all those little newborn movements are long gone and I only have my memories.

Like all parents, I wasted a fair bit of money on things she didn't like. I spent a fortune on a beautiful Mio baby hammock. She hated it, and I was too nervous to use it what with the earthquake aftershocks and all (I gave birth on 12 March in Tokyo, about 16 hours after the earthquake). Oh well, at least I got a couple of beautiful pictures of her in it. She didn't like the mesh feeder or the swaddle blanket either.

I wish I had actually packed my hospital bag well in advance. The morning my waters broke I still had half my stuff scattered all over the living room. "No need to finish packing it just yet. Everyone knows first babies are always late," I had thought. Ha.

Oh, and I wish I'd depilated my legs beforehand--or rather, got a proper all-over waxing job at a salon. God knows what my obstetrician thought of me.

I wish I'd given Little Seal Vitamin D drops. She has never had any signs of Vitamin D deficiency, but still it might have been a good idea.

I wish I'd bought a proper camera as soon as I got pregnant and taken lots more bump shots. I don't regret not getting a belly mould though... that's just weird.

I wish I hadn't flipped out so badly when she had colic between 5 and 10 weeks. I did and said some very silly things which I am extremely embarrassed about now (so embarrassed that I'm not even going to say what they are). Turns out Mum was right. They do grow out of it.

I think my choice of pram (a Maclaren XT) was basically a very good one in almost all respects, but I wish I'd chosen something with a rear-facing option. I remember Little Seal being quite frightened of the pram sometimes when she was little and was being wheeled about in busy, crowded city streets, unable to see my face, and I'm sure it's contributed to her dislike of the buggy even now. It would be lovely to be able to go for a walk together and communicate face-to-face while I also get a bit of much-needed exercise. I actually use the sling a lot, even these days, but it would be nice to change it up and use the pram too. (And anyone who wants to snark on mothers who want to put their toddlers in a rear-facing buggy can go jump in a lake. Seriously. Some of us have jobs, and face-to-face time with our toddlers is a precious commodity).

I wish I'd bought more slings while Little Seal was tiny. I had no idea just how much I was going to be using carriers... a lot, as it turned out. While I think my chosen carriers (Beco Gemini and Beco Butterfly) were really, really good ones, I think it would have been fun to have a couple of mei tais in there as well. And a ring sling! Buckle carriers like the Beco aren't really ideal for a newborn, in my opinion. And it might have been fun to get into wrapping. Yes, I know wraps are really granola-looking, but they are also really pretty and interesting.

Oh, and I wish I'd bought a babywearing coat too. Turns out it would have been a good investment. I hate having to walk around inside an overheated shop in winter with my coat on because Little Seal  is strapped on on top.

Knowing what I did now, I wish I'd been just a little more conscientious about getting a tad more solid food inside her. I was pretty good about choosing iron/zinc-rich foods for her for the most part (even then I was highly suspicious of the breastmilk-is-all-they-ever-need mentality prevalent online), but I do also remember lots of lazy days when I just plugged her into the boob and surfed the web, and at mealtimes just chucked bananas and rice cakes (which she didn't always eat) in her general direction. Hmmm. Oh, and I wish I'd been a bit more careful about oral hygiene and not passing on dental-caries-causing bacteria--I cringe now to think that I actually prechewed some meat for her once or twice. I know they all get colonized by these unpleasant bacteria eventually, but it surely makes sense to keep it away from their mouths as long as possible.

I wish I'd had Little Seal's cord clamping delayed. At the time, the benefits were in doubt and there was some concern about an increased risk of jaundice (which now appears to be unfounded).

I wish I'd tried Baby Sign. Not because of any of the (dubious) benefits that are sometimes claimed for it, but because it would have been so cute. And cool. And interesting. I've heard of babies as young as four months signing "milk" in their sleep... magical.

I wish I hadn't driven both of us crazy with trying to get her to accept a bottle, when in retrospect it really wasn't necessary at all (note: this was for me in my situation. For most breastfeeding mothers, life will be a lot easier and pleasanter if the baby will drink from a bottle). If I had another baby in similar circumstances--i.e, working from home and using at-home childcare for the first nine months at least--I would probably not even bother with the bottles, and just go straight to cup-feeding and start solids at 4-5 months.

I wish I'd kept a more detailed account of the pregnancy and birth and the first year.

And just briefly... a few things I'm glad I did:

I'm glad I didn't spend money on little clothes and toys, because people give them to you anyway, and I needed my money for other things (like the hospital).
I'm glad I read baby books during my pregnancy rather than pregnancy books (pregnancy takes care of itself, mostly; if it doesn't, you need to see a doctor, not read a book about it. But babies.... well, you don't have so much time for reading once you've got a newborn, let's face it).
I'm glad I prioritized sleep from the start, and that I got tough and nightweaned at 8 months.
I'm glad I started the potty early, since this is now really starting to pay off.
I'm glad I chose a really good hospital, with nice food and nice nurses and great breastfeeding support. Even though it was damned expensive.

And I'm really glad that I breastfed, even though I was slightly ambivalent about the idea when I was pregnant. I know that the pros and cons of different feeding methods work out differently for us all, but for me, breastfeeding has turned out to be one of the best mothering decisions I ever made--largely problem-free, healthy, convenient and cheap, not to mention emotionally fulfilling, empowering and just plain cool (my body producing life-sustaining food for an infant... how amazing is that?) And it's that feeling, ultimately, that keeps me passionate about the subject and blogging about it here.

Going with the flow...

It's now March, and this month Baby Seal will turn one.

Before Baby Seal was born, I said to anyone who asked that I would "give breastfeeding a try, but if it didn't work out, I would feed formula with pride and joy." After she was born, and I astonished myself with being about to actually, like, produce milk from my own body with next to no problems, I decided to breastfeed for "at least six months... maybe nine." Nine months came and went, and I realized with a jolt that I only had three months or so left. Then I realized with another jolt that I didn't actually "have" to wean her at 12 months. I could keep right on going, just as long as I wanted to.

It was a strange moment. It wasn't that I had ever thought of nursing past 12 months as being improper or icky (I've been in too many parts of the world where women will flip an entire tit out to feed a toddler to be under such delusions). It's just that I never, ever thought of "extended nursing" (even now, it seems so odd to see those words applied to myself!) as something that people like me did. Extended nursing was for mothers who gave birth in paddling pools and kept their babies in slings on a permanent basis (except, of course, when in the Family Bed). Or for women in poor countries who had to nurse for years on end. Not for normal developed-world mothers like me, who do paid employment for The Man and who told their obstetricians that during labor they wanted to be as high as a ****ing kite throughout.

For this change in attitude, I have my beloved knitting website, Ravelry (aka "Facebook for knitters") to thank in part. It's crunchy-ish, but not insanely crunchy, and above all does seem to have a lot of "mothers who think"(well, we are knitters/crocheters, after all). And there are lots of women who nurse past 12 months over there. Call it "peer orientation" or whatever you will, but just being around mothers who nurse for longer really does make it seem less of a freakish thing to do.

The flip side of websites and forums that supported extended nursing is that in general, they can't limit themselves to supporting extended nursing; rather, they tend to foster an atmosphere that pushes it on every woman. Ravelry, thank God, is largely free from overt pressure in this respect... unlike, say, Kellymom or Mothering, where a mother asking for tips on how to get her 12-month-old to accept cow's milk so that she can wean her will get responses ranging from outright criticism to "Could you explain why you are weaning her right now?" In that polite tone of voice that tells you so much more than the words themselves.

There was recently a post on one of the Ravelry groups where the posters were discussing the scientific case for nursing past 12 months. All the usual sources were cited in favor--Kellymom, the World Health Organization, that bloody Gulick study. I kept quiet, as I suspected that my own opinion might not be too popular--my opinion being that in developed countries, the benefits of extended nursing are likely to be extremely small for the child (ironically, there is probably better scientific evidence for extended breastfeeding's benefits for the mother, in the form of a slightly lowered risk of certain cancers).

As for the fact that the WHO recommends breastfeeding to two years or more, I am afraid I really could not care less. The WHO is the World Health Organization, and as such it (reasonably enough) tailors its advice primarily to those most in need of it: poor parts of the world with high infant and child mortality rates. If you are living in a community with no clean water, no pasteurized animal milks, not a lot of nutritious food for toddlers and no birth control for mum, then breastfeeding for years genuinely does raise children's survival rates. If you are living in the developed world, breastfeeding for years is more on the level of taking your child to Mommy and Me classes; it's harmless and a pleasant thing to do if that's your thing. It's not remotely necessary for producing a surviving, thriving child.

However, I am going to shut up now, since Good Enough Mum has discussed all this far more eloquently than I could ever do.

While I'm glad whenever I see the You Must Wean At 12 Months, Because Nursing After Then Suddenly Becomes Icky attitude being questioned, I'm not sure how much of an improvement it is if this just gets replaced with You Must Breastfeed Until Two Otherwise Your Child Is Being Deprived (especially when the claims as to why are so scientifically dodgy). Just a modest proposal, but how about a different idea; the idea of just stopping when you damn well want to... for whatever reason? No plans, no dates or deadlines (in either direction), no pressure. Just you and your child and whatever feels "right" for both of you. The more I think about this idea, the more I like it. Just stepping into the water and letting the current take you, and seeing where you end up. Going with the flow.

So why am I going to keep going for a while? Well, mostly because we both enjoy it and I see no reason to stop. Plus--can I be honest?--it's a convenient lifestyle tool for me, because nursing time is increasingly my internet time! The to-wean-or-not-to-wean question has come up recently in my due date club, and all I can say is that there seems to be a very strong correlation between babies' distractability and mothers' weaning intentions: those of us who were planning to keep going were all saying things like "It's our relaxation time, he blisses out at the breast while I catch up on Facebook," while those who were stopping or planning to stop shared stories about how their babies were so distractible that nursing has become a fight and a bore, and they were taking this is a signal that He's Just Not That Into You any more. An example of "seeing where the current takes you," and a very good one.

By the way, this is another reason why I'm so wary of the increasing pressure found in some quarters to breastfeed until two as a maternal duty. Extended nursers may enthuse loudly about how nursing an older baby or toddler makes parenting a toddler more convenient, but it would be truer perhaps to say "No, nursing your particular child makes life more convenient for you." Increasing pressure on all mothers to breastfeed for two years no matter what will inevitably mean that many women will feel obliged to keep struggling away with nursing even when their particular circumstances or child means that this is not convenient or a tool that makes parenting easier; for example, even if their child is so distractible that the only way to nurse is to shut yourself and baby away in a darkened room, or even if they get pregnant again and are in pain and resenting their child. As if that's not bad enough, there seems to be more and more cases of advice along the lines of "If you [give bottles regularly/spoonfeed solids/nightwean/don't allow access to the breast at all times] your baby is likely to self-wean early" (which then means you are breaking those all-important finger-wagging WHO guidelines). "Nurse to two years no matter what" thus easily becomes a tool for frightening or guilting mothers into practicing certain mothering styles which they may or may not be comfortable with. Not good.

That said, since I am fortunate enough to have a baby who is prepared to ignore my flickering PC screen during milky time, and since we both still enjoy the closeness of nursing, I am going to "go with the flow" and take full advantage of this, and nurse until I feel like stopping.

I even had nursing to thank for getting me through a hellish day last week when my childcare provider cancelled on me on a day when I had several deadlines to meet--somehow the day's work got done, though a mixture of making the most of naptimes and letting Baby Seal hang out at the milk bar as much as possible while I typed with one hand. Oh, and Peppa Pig on DVD, if I'm honest. And letting her pull things out of cupboards and strew them all over the room and destroy the baby gate, as demonstrated above. Such is the life of a freelance worker with a small child. Bring on Year 12-24 Months--I'm ready!