Insider info on Kate Middleton's pregnancy--a BFWOBS exclusive!

A few days ago, people all over the planet were overjoyed to hear of the news that the Duchess of Cambridge and future Queen of England Kate Middleton, was expecting her first baby--a baby that will one day occupy the throne of England.

As the world's focus intensifies on what is quite literally the most important news event since Bill Clinton boned Monica Lewinsky, BFWOBS can bring you some thrilling insider information about what is set to become the most watched pregnancy on the planet, which hopefully will fill in the gaps until poor old Kate is released from hospital and can be photographed again.

Royal traditions
Family protocol at the House of Windsor dictates that the mother-to-be must carry the baby in her "uterus" for around nine months. Rumor at the Palace has it that this could cause Kate's stomach to "become larger" during her pregnancy. While it's not known how Kate plans to give birth, an insider source at the Palace has revealed to BFWOBS in an exclusive interview that the birth will almost certainly be either a vaginal delivery or a cesarean section: "I can confidently state that the Duchess will be having an elective med-free, home cesarean waterbirth, either with or without an epidural. There's no doubt this will be a very special experience for her."

Kate Middleton "could be carrying conjoined twins"
Experts say that there is a distinct possibility that Kate could be carrying conjoined twins, a rare condition in which two babies are joined together at one or more parts of the body. "Cases of conjoined twins have occurred occasionally throughout human history, and the Royal Family have refused to release any ultrasounds, so it's entirely possible that Kate could be carrying them. Also, she comes from Buckinghamshire where there was a case of conjoined twins reported back in the mid-1960s, which surely increases the odds," said a Pregnancy and Baby Expert we spoke to. The Palace has refused to comment on the conjoined twins rumor, leading to a further flurry of media speculation about possible constitutional ramifications.

Tragic news--Baby will be "unable to walk or talk" for first year
Sadly, it appears that not everything about this pregnancy is set to go to plan. An acquaintance of Kate Middleton has disclosed that the baby Kate is carrying is likely to be incapable of walking or talking until it's around 12 months old. "Obviously this has come as a real blow to Kate," said our source, "but she's a strong person and will deal."

Join us at BFWOBS next time for....

Pictures of pregnant women with Kate's head crudely photoshopped onto them, accompanied by captions like "Shocking: What Kate could look like in her third trimester."

Advice on motherhood for Kate, given by random women we stopped in the street! Real live mums (just like you!) offer tips such as "Be prepared for sleep deprivation," "It's important to love your child and raise him or her in a good environment" and other similarly original remarks.

Special offer--Available only from BFWOBS! Are you looking for a commemorative gift item to mark Kate's pregnancy that is both useful and aesthetically pleasing? Well and good. If not, why not buy the Kate Middleton Pregnancy Commemorative Denture Cleansing Product Holder Mat Protector Stand, crafted from 100% genuine vinylette and decorated with a computer-generated image of what our future heir to the throne may (or then again, may not) possibly look like. $55.99 (batteries not included).

MORE pointless speculation!

Vote in the BFWOBS poll!
Do you think that requiring Kate to carry the baby inside her for the full duration of the pregnancy (while Wills gets off scot-free) is an outdated and sexist Royal tradition?

• Yes
• No
• I don't know
• I don't care
• I'm a grumpy republican... piss off